Super tough

I am not going to lie, the last few days have been tough. Really tough. Desperate to have a glass of wine and just be like a normal person. I spend a lot of time lately on facebook and thinking perhaps thats not good for me. Lots of comments re peoples glass recycling etc and I think to myself 'why can't I be like that?' why can't I be normal. Neil still doesn't understand bless him. I mentioned yesterday and today that I really felt like a glass of wine at the end of the day. His comments are 'well have one then, Dawn, you have nothing to worry about, I won't let you drink to too much, ' The sad thing is, I won't let myself drink too much and that is where I go wrong. Because I will have those one or two glasses, but then I will want one or two glasses tomorrow, and the next day and I will start thinking about those one or two glasses the next day at lunch time. I will then start feeling like shit at 3;am in the morning when I wake up with a mouth like sand paper, need to go downstairs for a drink. I will feel guilty and I will promise myself that I won't drink anything that night, and sometimes I won't, and I will be stupidly proud of myself the next day but then I will drink double the following night. Or perhaps I will drink and then do the usual ritual of getting up in the middle of the night. Feeling like shit, arguing with myself and my anxiety will rise and it is just genuinely exhausting. I don't have to get drunk. I hardly ever do, but the internal battle I have with myself on a constant daily basis is horrible. I know all this, yet I am craving wine so badly at the moment. I have spent the last two nights drinking my pink grapefruit with tonic water and lime and that has helped. The sad things is I don't feel normal. I look at my friends and they can all have a drink, so why can't I? I hate the fact that my personality so addictive. Its been 2 months, 23days and 27 minutes not that I am counting.

Been a bit more with it with home schooling, encouraged the kids to do a bit more. We have collected tadpoles for our pond and we have fish in it now. I have gone back to work, just on a Monday and it went okay. I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed working. I am still enjoying this time off we are having. I am loving the extra time I have to write and to read and to get up when I want. I am loving the extra time with my children. I am thinking about what i am going to do when this lock down is over. How long it will take I don't know. Will we ever go back to normal? Or is this our new normal? I don't know . I think its made a lot of people sit down and consider their lives and where they are going. I still do my videos for facebook. I feel like I am doing something useful. I know at least two of my friends have come off facebook as they say they are spending too much time on it and I get that. I spend too much time on it as well. Am going to try and write in this blog a bit more. Record things in here. Maybe if the internet wasn't so crap I could up load my videos up on here as well. Its funny, I often think that this blog is a kind of record of my life. Its something that my children can have when I am no longer here. Its a lasting imprint on the world. You know when someone you know, dies, their facebook page stays open? I think it helps people they have left behind, kind of a storybook into their lives I think, it says more than a photograph as you have their comments, their opinions etc.

I messaged a friend today. We have lost touch about 5 years ago. Things weren't write and I think perhaps I was selfish and I offended her. I have felt guilty and I miss her so I have messsaged her this morning to see if we can sort things out. I firmly believe that some friends are here to stay and some friends are meant to just pass through. I have always thought that. Just because the friends pass through at that period in your life, you take what you need from that experience and move on through your life. It doesn't mean you value them or your time with any less it just means that that perhaps they were meant to move on and so were you? Yet I also believe that some people are meant to stay, they are meant to travel through your life with you. Maybe for a bit longer, maybe for a lot longer, maybe forever. I believe that this one friend was meant to do that. I don't know, of course but I have figured that if she responds to my message then perhaps she will. If she doesn't then perhaps she wasn't meant to stay, I don't know. But felt I had to try. Life is like a big journey isn't it. I speak to my mum now. Its a very fragile relationship. We text and every day I send her my videos via whatsapp like I send to Keely. I also whatsapp them to Sandra. Sandra is one of those friends that I think was meant to stay. 24 years we have been friends. She is like second mum to me and we have rekindled our friendship during this lockdown. We message every day and I love it. The same goes for Keely, I have digressed now on my ramblings........

Its quiet here. I am sat in bed with my laptop. Neil has gone to work this morning, all my kids are sleeping. The dogs are happy as they have been fed and have access to the garden and the whole day is stretched out in front of me. I am not working till next Monday. What to do today? The weather is cloudy with potential for rain. Ah, my mum, yes I was talking about my mum. We text. I send videos to her and she loves them, I think. She messages me back and I think she feels closer to me. We have spoken once on the phone one day last week, she wanted me to ring her. I thought about it for a bit and then I rang as she is my mum. We chatted generally about her life and mine and what we had been up to. She hung up happy we had spoken. I hung up guarded and sad we had spoken. Sad that we can't ever have the mother and daughter relationship that we should have had. Sad that we are the way we are. I don't think I am bitter any more and I don't think I apportion all the blame anymore on my mum. But I am sad. I am very relieved that the relationship I have with my daughter's isn't like the relationship I have with my mum , I am grateful for that and I will do everything in my power to ensure that it remains good and true like a proper mother and daughter.

The last few days I have spent some time telling stories of my childhood to my children, I have always said and thought that I had a bad childhood. It was hard and both myself and my sister feel we were somewhat cheated out of our childhoods. However, telling my children some of the stories I got up to, how my dad taught me to ride my first bike, how I got Jeffrey into trouble because he laughed at me when I fell off, all the times I used to walk around our block with my doll and my pram with Belinda my friend, how we used to play inthe gully, the house in Patchway Crescent and the field where I walked my dog Roscoe. The pipe, Rumney river, the gypsy horses, my friend Kathy Guy and her dad Peter and he mum who Ailysha is named after. Her house and the games we played in her bedroom with Madonna blasting away. The ways she used to eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast 3 of them with a cup of coffee every morning before school, the layout of her house. Our neighbours the twins next door to the right, Andrew and Jonathan and their mum. I told the kids about our house in South View Drive, mum's friendship with Irene and Steve, the times we spent with their children Andrew and Joanne and crossing the big bridge to go to their house. Remembering back, I don't think things got horrible until the house in Wentloog Road. Until then recounting all the stories that I told my children things I had pushed to the bottom of my mind, they have all resurfaced slowly over the last few weeks. Memories I had. My childhood can't have been that bad with all those memories. I remember so much vividly. Maybe I was too harsh when I thought my childhood was bad. It wasn't. It was hard. It was hard from the age of 13 perhaps and I remember that but was it bad? I don't know. I don't think so I think I have a lot of memories that I have remembered that were good. So so many. Although I do remember the absolute feeling of relief when I moved out to move in with Tony when I was 19 I remember that like yesterday. People say that you shouldn't live in the past. You can't change the past but to live in the present. I think they are right but I also think that people can be shaped a lot by their past. I also think that you need to remember your past, justify and acknowledge it in your head and accept it before you can move on and be the person you are meant to be. Having all this time is making me think back over my childhood. Slowly, I am doing it slowly, bit by bit I am letting myself remember, good things and not so good things. I have blocked all of it out for so long so I have to do it slowly. Michael and Becci were both fascinated and loved listening to my stories so I think my childhood wasn't bad, I have some wonderful memories I just have to find them. Its funny as I am writing this more and more are flooding back to me. Why is that? Things I haven't thought about for years and years they are all flooding back to me at a rapid pace. I have to take deep breathes and think of other things as they threaten to cloud my thoughts its mad. I have never let myself think of them before so why now? Am I trying to heal or trying to make myself ill? I don't know. Was it a good childhood or a not so good one? I don't know.

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