Sunday - Day 6 of Lockdown and 52 days with no alcohol

We have had a fab day today. I really feel I have changed, my personality and this is, I am convinced, down to the lack of acohol. I am getting the hang of this living in the moment and actually enjoying what I am doing in the present and not racing on to the next thing. Walking the dogs on my own today I now listen to pod casts. I never realized they were out there and they are actually very very inspiring. There are podcasts out there for everything. Obviously I try to find the ones written by women like myself and sober ones. The good thing about podcasts is that you can listen to them and they are in the present ie I listened to one that had been recorded this morning. Its really good as its brings what this bloody corona virus and what else is happening in society today. The common theme, apart from everyone sending jokes and songs about staying home is that people are saying to use this time at home to re focus, to look at your life and what can be the new normal. Try that hobby you always wanted to do, spend time with your family, be humble, all that kind of thing.

For me, myself I really feel I have changed over the last 50 or so days. I know I keep saying it but I am so much calmer. I enjoy the time I am spending with the children. I am enjoying things I am doing. Like for example now. I have spent the last hour sat on the sofa with my laptop just looking at podcasts and facebook and listening to music and watching Neil and Michael across the room playing Fifa together. I am actually realised that my whole life (I am not really sure when it started but I think it must have been my teens) I have spent my time racing from one activity to another, never actually enjoying the activity I was doing as I was thinking about the next activity... for example, I could be out running and the whole time instead of just enjoying running , I am thinking about what I am going to do when I get home, which jobs I am going to do etc. When at home whatever I am doing my mind is constantly thinking of the next thing. When I have noticed this happening which it still does every now and then, I stop, check myself, take some deep breaths, look around me and re focus, and guess what? its working. I seem to be getting on better with everyone, Neil, Matthew and the kids and my friends and this is so refreshing and nice.

I put Christmas lights up today. Outside the house and I will light them all while this bloody corona virus thing is going on and I am hoping people in the street will see the lights and do the same. I have been thinking a lot about what our grandparents would have gone through with the war and ration books etc, It has really made me think. I am so lucky to have the amazing kids I have and the life I lead and all my dogs etc. I am scared, I keep looking at the figures and what is happening in Italy, the fact that they are turning the Principality Stadium into a make shift hospital. Its just unreal, I know I have said this before but it its really like living in a film. I had to try and claim Universal Credit last Friday, God that was a headache and its the first time in my life that I have ever had to claim anything like that from the Government. I think I was trying to claim alongside 74,000 other people so the system kept crashing. I had to verify my documents and that was a nightmare and they still haven't been verified. We are so lucky that Neil is working. He is doing well and is working so so hard bless him. He is actually keeping us afloat at the moment. I have had to do things like take a mortgage holiday and cut back on all of our bills as we don't know when this is going to end. However, I have to say that I have actually had the best week I have ever had with the kids. We really have just enjoyed each other's company. We are reading the Harry Potter books and spending time playing board games etc. Yesterday morning we literally just came downstairs and all of us including dogs and duvet just snuggled up and watched lady and the tramp on the Disney channel. Later on that day we took all the 5 dogs up into the fields behind the park, we ventured further than we normally do and ended up in Goats Wood! To think I have lived her for 10 years and never ever have walked that way before.

I really am just going to use this time to re evaluate my life, what I an going to do with regards to childminder. I do know though that I never ever ever want to drink again. I love this chilled out me, I love this version of me and I want it to stay. I don't want to be flat out all the time, I want to be chilled and calm and happy and that's how I want people to remember me, not this person that was flat out 100 miles and hour all the time not appreciating or noticing the little things.

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