Sunday - day 13 of lockdown and Day 59 without alcohol

Today has been tense. Don't know why but I have felt anxious today. Have had to check myself a number of times and have been snappy with the kids and with Neil. Its been a nice day weatherwise and I have had a few good chats with my friends on the phone and video link so not sure why I feel out of sorts. I have also had the most wonderful messages from friends and even some people I don't know very well about my facebook videos and my site its been really really lovely. People have been so nice and so encouraging telling me how much they enjoy my videos. I also spent an hour or so listening to a pod cast from the bubble hour which was really good. We did some reading today and I gave the kids a spelling test lol. They weren't impressed but I have told them that we will be doing this once a week from now on so I can keep on top of their spellings. May also do a times table test saves me panicking about what they are dipping into and out of re the internet.

Got my new chrome book and I love it. How the hell I am going to pay for it is another matter but I do see it as essential. Feel much better I have all my childminding paperwork back and I can get onto my website. Its really good cause you can turn it into a kind of ipad as well. It links directly to my photos which I am really pleased about as well.

So why am i feeling anxious, I know one of the reasons is that people know about my blog now, I have a terrible fear that my parents are going to find it and read my blog. My relationship with my parents is not the best but we have got to the stage where we can text eachother now. I haven't spoken to them properly in about a year now. But we are texting. I know in some of my diary entries I haven't been that nice about my mum. I could go in and change them couldn't i? but that wouldn't be a true reflection of what I have been feeling. If I prettied them up for everyone to see then I would feel like I was lying. I think when I created this blog, I never really thought that anyone would be interested enough in it to read it, and now I have actually told everyone on social media about it. So basically anyone can see it, including my family. Thankfully most of them aren't on facebook but the fear of my parents reading some of this sends shivers down me. I am not a nasty person and I know my mum and dad would be devastated if they new what I thought so shall I go in and delete everything? No. I use this blog to get my thoughts down. It sorts out all the crap in my head and all the things I am thinking and feeling. I can't really imagine anyone being that interested to read it, but if they did, I am hoping they will take what they can from it and ignore the rest. Its just noise. Its just me prattling on about crap so that my jumbled brain can sort things out in my head. I suppose now its out in the open my relationship with alcohol, I will find out who my friends are and who aren't. I don't care really. One thing I have learnt in this journey (and I am still at the very beginning of it) is I actually like myself now. I like myself a lot more than i used to. If anyone had said to me a few weeks ago even that I would be putting videos up on facebook on a daily basis I would have looked at them as if they were crazy, there is no way on this earth I would do that, I hated everything about myself, my hair (it was so short) my voice, my skin, me I hated it, I hated having my photo taken and the only time I ever liked my photo taken was when I had had a glass of wine..... go figure!!! Now, my hair is longer, yes its like a birds nest but I am comfortable with it, I am happy with how I look now, yes there are parts of me I hate but I am learning to accept them for what they are. I ignore my voice on the videos (it gets on my nerves, I feel its one of those annoying voices!) but I am figuring I am helping people, even if its just one person other than me, and I am helping me by writing this down and therefore I am helping Neil (as he doesn't have to put up with my moods) and my kids, and so right of the top of my head I am helping 5 people, so that can only be a good thing cant it? Its funny because he knows about my website, I told him, and he must know about my videos as I do see him on facebook but he hasn't commented or said anything. That's the thing about Neil, he never really comments on anything so I am never really sure what he thinks. Yes he comments on things that really interest him, like darts or football especially where Michael is concerned but he never comments about emotional things like my website or my blog or anything. Funny I don't bring it up either. I could do a lot worse than him, though so I shouldn't complain. He is thoughful and romantic, he buys me flowers and really thinks about gifts for birthdays, or rather he gets one of my friend's or Jane's advise and I have had the most wonderful presents from him, and I know first hand what its like to be in an abusive relationship so, I am very happy and content with Neil even though I complain about him! One thing that stuck today though is a friend said to me that she wouldn't go onto my blog because she said she didn't want to give anything up, bless her, not sure what to make of that, I don't want people to go onto my blog and then question themselves and their lifestyles, its not about that at all. That's another of my fears, that people will stop inviting me to things because I don't drink and they think I am boring. I really hope that's not the case. I also hope that I am strong enough to know that when I don't feel like going out or I am not feeling strong then I can call and cancel and not go and people will understand. The way I figure it is my issue is not when I go out, I find that easy, my issue was every night sat on my sofa with a glass of wine watching the telly. It was more of habit for me I think. But a really hard habit and I did genuinely like the taste of wine!

Its 10.30pm while I am tying this out. Neil has gone to bed after just coming home from the shop. The kids are all in bed. I have spoken to both my brothers and two of my sister's tonight. My mum has text me and I have responded. I have spoken to my close friends. I am very lucky. I have an amazing support network. I am thinking of all those people self isolating who don't have family. I am thinking of our prime minister who has been taken hospital tonight..... I am still thinking I am in some kind of film and this is a dream an I will wake up any second... I know I am feeling anxious as my joints are bad tonight, my back is sore and my hips. I contemplated the hot tub but would rather write in here.

Going to try to add some more things to the pages of my website some more useful links and some music that I listen to and i am going to think about what we are going to do tomorrow.

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