I had half a bottle of wine last night. 3 small glasses. and it is now 7 minutes past 4:00am in the morning and I am wide awake and the guilt I am feeling is ridiculous. Absolutely crazy. I justified it last night. I had a lovely evening, played scrabble with Matthew then went in the hot tub and Rebecca and Michael were positively gleeful that I had got so far and given in. I am so cross with myself but actually I am kind of relieved. As now I know that its not for me and now for actually the first time I can see how far I have come without drinking and the positive impact it made to my life. Back immediately is the anxiety, the feeling of guilt, the fact I had no tea , the justification and also the fact that I didn't manage to stay up and watch "this is us" on tv because I am ashamed to admit but after just half a bottle of wine I was actually quite tipsy. What I will say is I went to the coop and One stop in Usk to get myself a bottle of lime cordeal and not one of those shops did them and to be fair both of them said they weren't going to stock them anymore. Now my go to drink when I am craving a bottle of wine is grapefruit juice and lime. It is the only drink I enjoy. poured into a wine glass, so the one lesson I have learnt is do not run out of lime, Sadly you can get loads of bottles of wine. Both shops never run out of that do they? You can't get grapefruit juice in Usk either. So the morale of this story is to make sure I never run out. Because you never know when you are going to need them.
I am figuring however that this journey is a learning curve. Its a reminder that I must never let my guard down. I didn't even like the taste either. This tells me that my taste buds have changed, Over the months they have changed without my noticing. You know when someone dies, And everyone says nothing but nice things about him and when you remember something you love you only ever remember the nice things, you kind of put them on a pedastal, You don't remember the fact that he a, perhaps constantly farts or b, spent his day sitting on his arse, etc etc and i think it was like that for me, I only remembered the taste of wine and when a craving strikes you put it on a pedastal think only about the good things, it how it made me relax and that relaxed feeling I had and also how it makes me feel included. No one wants to spend time with the girl, who doesn't drink do they?
So now I am at a crossroads and this is my thing............. I am so close to my one year sober challenge now. Is this just a blip? Okay I still have to go through my birthday, which is soon, Christmas and New year and the whole of January, I started this challenge on February 4th after doing dry January and then spending the 1st 2nd and 3rd of February having a bottle of wine a night,,,,,,,,, admittedly I manslaughtered Matthew's cat but that said........ How have I managed to go through lock down. the birth of all the puppies etc and then crash and give in, nothing set me off except the fact I couldn't get any lime squash? and worse still, is this just the guilt talking at 4:00am in the morning and will the wine witch strike again tomorrow evening at 7pm? I don't know what to do. Do I carry on and forget this blip or do I re set to day one?
Here's the thing, if I reset to day 1 is it going to achieve anything? No, it isn't. I have done so well and perhaps what happened last night had to happen to make me stronger and believe me, at 4:00am in the morning I am one strong girl, I would even go as far to say that I feel so strongly about not having this feeling of guilt come back to me ever again that I want to give up forever.
I feel like a failure. I am so cross with myself.