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May 23rd 2021 - One week done

Nothing happened to make me give up again. No major disaster, no stories, just the guilt, the anxiety, the husband noticing that my patience wasn't as good as it used to be, just the guilt, the punishing the next morning which resulted in my running an extra mile and damaging my IT band (a muscle I think from your hips to the your knees) but no amount of running can rid you of the bottle of prosecco the night before and the two glasses of white wine, so as I said... the guilt always the guilt. I am now 6 days in and I am feeling very strong. I am going to do it this time. I have a year under my belt and yes this is a journey. This is the third time I have given up and already a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Back to reading the a quit lit , and meditating, keeping a diary but will probably just blog now, trying yoga and generally trying to make myself feel somewhere near to how I felt when I was 8 months sober. I can do this, I will do this but this time, I am not doing it because I am petrified I am going to turn out like my mum but I am going to do this for me.

Its been a wobbly few months. I am not going to lie. I suppose its hard to understand, unless you are addicted you can't possibly understand. I tried the moderation. I tried the I will just have the odd glass of wine but it didn't last. It didn't even last for a couple of days. AS soon as I gave in I was back in that spiral.... and for me, it locks you in it. The wine helps me relax but makes me anxious the next day. The next day I deal with the guilt, I argue with myself and deal with the guilt. By lunch time I am thinking of the wine and by 6pm I have the wine, I relax and so the saga begins. Then I seem to be locked in a cycle of two glasses of wine every night to help me relax. Anxiety the next day and constant nervous energy and then burn out by the night and back to those two glasses of wine until there is a night out or a weekend then it turns into a bottle if not more. Looking back I was the happiest I had ever been when I didn't drink, when I didn't even think about it. I am going to get to that stage again step by step.


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