Lewis Capaldi - 1 month and 7 days

Concert was amazing. Natasha had bought me tickets for my birthday last year. Finished work at 5pm and picked up her and her two friends. We went for pre drinks before hand and for the first time I tired seedily and tonic water. It was delivered to me in a wine glass for the grand price of £5.95 (which is a lot of money considering it has zero alcohol in it) but it tasted amazing and I didn't feel like I was missing out at all. The Motor point arena has changed loads as all the seats had been taken out so we could stand. He didn't come on till about 9.00 so we had a lot of time to kill prior but the support bands were really good and Natasha's friends Lauren and Jess are really easy to get on with so the time flew. We had a slight disagreement with a security guard who wouldn't let Tasha into the disabled toilets. Tash bless her has ulcerative colitis but for some reason he didn't believe her. This resulted in my going over and having a word with him. Needless to say he let her in no problem at the end of the night.

Did you know that Lewis Capaldi has a nervous twitch? Bless him. I didn't but for the first half of his stint you could tell. Well actually we couldn't decide if he was high or not but it was evident as the night wore on and he settled into his role the twitch subsided and he was amazing. He is one of those people that actually sounds amazing live. Absolutely amazing and his songs were brilliant. He has a good sense of humor of well. Really enjoyed myself. In fact that day I had a really good day. My uncle and aunt popped in for a coffee. Was really nice to catch up and every time they come I am so grateful they have come into my life kind of makes up for my parents. The good thing was Thelma offered to look after the spaniels for me when I go away dancing. I had originally going to use a dog walker that one of my mind parents use and we have been trying to meet up for months but for me, it would be much better if Carl and Thelma had the spaniels. They love dogs and I know they would take really good care of them. I text Carl this and also a message saying I didn't want them to feel like they had to, and he text back "what are families for?" Made me feel really happy. Its mad how two brothers can be so different. Carl and Matthew had a nice chat about the marines as Matthew is adamant he wants to join. Carl was in the forces for a long time when he met Thelma. When they left even Matthew asked me why they couldn't have been his grandparents and not the ones he got stuck with. He said from now on he was going to call them nan and gramps lol. So all round a really good day.

I really feel I am different lately. Much more relaxed and happy and really trying to enjoy the moment. I spent ages this morning just enjoying doing the girls hair for school and not just yanking it up as quickly as possible to get on with the next job. Winnie the witch is mostly quiet although I am still having nightmares. I dreamt last night that I had drank two pints of wine or rather I had got some bloke that I didn't know to buy me two pints of wine as we were at a festival (there were a crowd of us) and apparently I only drank the one pint and left the pub (we were drinking outside apparently) I then spent some time going around in circles and feeling frustrated which is the normal pattern of my dreams before coming back to meet up with everyone at the pub and my pint of wine was still sitting outside on the table. I remember feeling the initial glow of excitement that it was still there but between the time of my going to get it to drink it, regret had sunk in and I felt like a failure as I had to start all the way back at day one again as I had had a pint of wine earlier. The wine was in pint glasses. How wierd. I woke up feeling relieved that it was a just a dream. Bet dream psychologists would have a field day with that one. Apparently our subconscious takes up 95% of our brain activity. 95%!!!! Thats mad only 5% of our brain takes up decisions , emotions, actions and behavior. Apparently the subconscious mind stores all of our previous life experiences , beliefs, memories, skills and all the situations we have been through and all the images we have ever seen.

I mentioned to the doctor last time I saw her that I had been horrible vivid dreams, some of them nightmares like I am being murdered or my children are being murdered, and some of them just not pleasant. There is a recurrent theme of me feeling completely frustrated all of the time although I cannot remember the details of the dream. Well, I sometimes can if I initially think of it when I wake up. Since I have given up drinking I am always relieved to wake up. Its strange feeling as I love my bed but I am relieved to be away from the dream.

Have spent some time over the last couple of days wondering if I am unsociable. I mentioned to Amber in passing that I had seen her boyfriend and he had actually spoken to me and we had had a conversation. Amber said that she had mentioned this to him and said that I was pleased. Amber had told him that I was not a very sociable person and I can't decided if I agree with her. Yeah I don't get involved in any of the clicks at the school, I am not part of the yummy mummy groups or any groups for that matter. I don't go out much and most of the time I prefer my dogs to people. However, I love my dancing, and my dancing friends, I love my best friends, Keely, Suzanne and even though I really really love being home in the evening in with a good book, I do like going out. I know I am a home person but am I really classed as unsociable. Is that how people see me? One of my fears of giving up drinking was that people would find me boring. I think a lot of people think that. Drinking wine makes you lose your inhibitions doesn't it? However, I am a 45 year old woman and I really want to feel so comfortable in my own skin that I don't give a fuck what people think of me. ..... .but if thats the case why is what Amber said playing on my mind????

No- one has logged on or commented on any of my blogs is that cause I am boring??? I don't know but I do know that I am enjoying writing things down and recording my life and my progress in this new sober life style. I am actually getting to know me and trying to change for the better.

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