Updated: Apr 4, 2020
Well, I am in a foul mood , its 8pm and I have actually taken myself off to bed with my laptop, my phone, and a glass of orange juice. Why am I in a bad mood? I don't know. Fluffy Pink Cloud? well its shot out to the sky so bloody fast am not even sure it arrived. And to think I was feeling quite smug only yeserday. I could actually murder a glass of wine now and think perhaps that is my bad mood. Natasha, bless her heart, brought me back two bottles of really nice South African wine. She told me I was being boring by not drinking and even though I know she meant well, she can never understand how hard it is. Nothing would have made me happier in the whole world than to devour that bottle. Nothing. She mentioned it at school pick up as well which is my hardest time. Bless her I am kind of glad she doesn't know how hard it is for me. I think today was especially hard I am tearful and sad. Seeing pictures of my brother and his wife and their new baby and how much that baby looked like my Matthew. I even went and got his baby book out and I think that was a mistake. Looking at all those old pictures made me so sad. God how I have changed. How young I was, how young Tony was and I was so excited and enjoyed life. Yet again my bloody mother ruined every time. This particular time of my life she ruined all because I didn't tell her I was in labor. Two weeks old he was before she even came to see him and ffs a girl needs her mum then and I should have had mine. I am gutted that she can't just be the mum that I so desperately wanted. Its not fair that alcohol has ruined her and taken so much from me and my siblings . Natasha's birth she ruined, Natasha's christening, she was in a mood at my wedding to Adrian. Yet I can't help it I miss her, I miss her so much I miss the mum she was when Rebecca was born, we were friends thenI would ring her everyday and I miss that so much. I never tell anyone but I do and that is why I will never drink alcohol again. I can't do it to my children. I need to be their mum. I need to give them back what was taken from me. Feeling proper sorry for myself and as I type this out I am sat in my bed crying my eyes out. I miss Tony's mum and dad as well as both of them have passed away now. Have had enough today I really have. Our family is broken and I feel broken today. I keep trying to think of all the things I have got to be happy for. I really do have the most amazing children and I have the most amazing friends got my sister and they are all healthy and happy and I have so much to be grateful for. Maybe just a good cry is what I need but right now a few glasses of wine and to turn off my thoughts sounds much better.