Day 1 again

When I started this website I had a few days under my belt. I progressed, and bit by bit, day by day I finally did my year milestone. I had a few blips on the way but I made it. The biggest achievement of my life. I even got to the stage where I didn't need my pink grapefruit juice and lime in a wine glass. I was quite happy with a cup of tea and a biscuit. Yes the amount of chocolate I consumed in the first few months was obscene and I put on almost a stone and a half. Lockdown didn't help but, I made it. Then, it went wrong. One night Neil came home and I had already mentioned that now I could prove that I could give up well why not start again. Why not sit down with my husband and have a drink together and this is what we did. I can moderate I know I can. I used to moderate before. I can do it. Yes I will start drinking every night this I knew, but I told myself that it would only be 2 glasses a night. I sat and had a conversation with Neil about it and I told him that that was how I was going to proceed. How wrong I was.

In the beginning I read all the books I could get my hands on. All of the books said that if you have just one glass it wakes up the bloody wine witch and she's back and boy were they right, she was back. Worse that that , I have been dieting so hard since December. The stubborn stone and a half I put on was coming off but god it was slow... very very slow, a pound one week, a gain the next, 2 pound the next week. I joined slimming world, I tried herbalife, I started running again...... but it just didn't happen as easy as it did when I was in my 20's.

About a week after my first week of drinking a few glasses of wine a night I went down to my sister and boy did we go through about 3 bottles of prosecco. We had a brilliant night. Socially distanced and it was so nice, I haven't seen my sister in so so long. The next night I kept it to a more sensible two glasses of wine. Then, and this is where I went wrong..... I skipped tea. Didn't need food as long as I can sip my wine in the night that was what I would do. The two glasses went to three and then weigh day came. Each night I would skip tea and drink my wine and I would weigh the next morning and before I knew it 3lb was coming off...... big losses. This, is the way forward I said to myself. My proper conscious mind would have said don't be so bloody stupid, but it worked. (of course, in the morning I would be lighter and if I weighed in the evening of course i would be 3lb heavier because I would have re hydrated myself.

Neil questioned me gently one night and asked if I was okay. He said the kids had noticed that I was more restless in the night, moving things around, not settling, but in my head I thought to myself "don't be daft" I am fine.

Then, the straw that broke the camel's back.......... it happened last night. I don't have a good relationship with my parents, sadly I can't change it and obviously to protect their privacy I can't really put why on here but it's been an issue all of my life. I am one of 6 siblings and I am the oldest. I am not a nasty person, I do my best to get on with most people. I do my best to be a good mum and a fantastic sister..... I am close to most of my siblings. Anyway to cut a long story short, my brother came to stay...... I get on well with my brother, we have the same sense of humour and although sometimes I could murder him he has a heart of gold and we always have a fabulous time. Anyway, to cut a long story short, my anxiety levels were high. It will never sit right with me that me and my parents don't speak..... I can't fix it, I have made peace with it but days like mother's day are especially hard. This is now excuse mind....... last night I drank too much. Not wine ... gin (Gin isn't as fattening). Anyway, lets just say the hot tub and gin do not go well. The night resulted in me throwing up and feeling horrendous. Now, I never was a binge drinker. I don't handle hangover's never have done. Think I have probably had less than 10 hangovers in my whole life. I am lucky I normally have an off switch. Last night I didn't. I upset my little boy as he was worried about his mum. I was sick and it was horrible. I made him a promise when I did eventually make it up to bed in one piece, thankful to my husband and my brother, I cwtched my little man who was sleeping in with his dad and he asked me never to drink to again. I agreed. I told him I was sorry and I promised him. He went back to his own bed and I went to sleep. Satisfyingly, I think I was so sick after being manhandled out of the hot tub..... I woke up and was able to function. I woke my little man up and again he asked me to promise I wouldn't drink wine or gin ever again and I did. I apologised, and I whole heartedly told him I would never drink again. And so, this is where I am at. Today is my day 1. My little boy looked like the weight of the world had been lifted. He smiled when he went to school and he trusts me completely. I am thankful to say that I have never ever broken a promise to any of my children and so he 100% believes that I will do it. So this isn't a game or a challenge any more for me........ this is my life now.

This is what I have to to do, not just for my little boy but for me.

I knew this journey would be hard but I never thought I was such a dependent drinker. Needless to say I hit my target weight this morning and a bit lower. Naturally that was how dehydrated I was. By the time I had to weigh tonight it had gone back up and I now realise that this is no quick fix. My anxiety was through the roof this morning and I still don't feel right now but I know why I am anxious and so I can deal with it. I am very lucky I have the most amazing friends and I know I will get there.

Feeling sad, guilty but determined.............

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