I listen to a pod cast and every week, once a week there is an interview with various people who are in some stage of recovery from alcohol addiction. The girl who runs the podcast has a blog unpickled and its a good read. I haven't read all of it but what I have read is really good . Some interviews are better than others and I suppose I relate to some more than others. The one today was an interview with a lady called Leslie and I could totally relate to some of it. The way she would drink in the night, get up the next morning and promise herself she wouldn't drink that evening and then from 3pm the little voice in her head nagging at her to have that glass of wine !!! Its like me! What really struck a chord with me was she mentioned that she went for therapy after her son very sadly died of an overdose at the age of 24. She told the therapist that her son was an animal lover. He had a dog and also 3 cats. The therapist suggested that perhaps he was an animal lover because Animals love you unconditionally. They have little expectations of you, they don't demand anything of you and they accept who you are without question. It made me think, maybe this is why I have loads of animals and always have had loads of animals. They love you regardless, they don't care who you are or what you achieve in life they are always there. Leslie has only been sober for 18 months and says its been the best thing for her. Honestly so far for me, I would agree. Yes I still have a lot of work to do, I still need to learn to relax and perhaps I need to eat a little less chocolate but so far for me it really is the best thing for me. Its been 75 days now for me.
I had a terrible day yesterday. Really really hard. I had a really sore neck as think I must have slept awkwardly and I was in a foul mood. The kids drove me nuts and to be honest it wasnt really their fault either. I was just in a bad mood. By 5pm I was desperate for some alone time and ended up in tears in the kitchen in the evening. Poor Neil had copped it as well. Ended up going to bed for two hours in the evening, eating a phenominal amount of chocolate in the night and sleeping all night and laying in this morning. I have been kinder to myself today. I know this journey isn't going to be easy and I am going to have some bloody hard days. Of course, its 10 times harder now with lock down. Sometimes though, there is no excuse, I basically just miss the taste of that nice cold glass of wine. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.
On the plus side though, I am learning to be more creative, I am spending more time reading, blogging, painting, and actually feeling my feelings rather than numbing them out. When I think about how much time I wasted rushing to get the kids to bed so I could sit and have glass of wine and actually numb everything, I feel sad. The other side of the coin however is you actually feel bloody everthing, that includes anger and frustration and just plain tiredness. Honestly everything yesterday really wound me up. Even Meg did my head in with her constant bloody yelping . Thankfully, I didnt give in and drink any wine and considering I had a bottle in the fridge, thats a good thing. I have been very mindful of it today however, i knew I was in a very dodgy place yesterday and so I have been a bit kinder to myself today, I woke late, walked the dogs, listened to the bubble hour, and my wall today was a creative one and I am very pleased with it. Suppose I just need to take the rough with the smooth.
Have decided to start childminding again next week, just for my key workers. I am petrified I will get too used to being at home with just my 3 so I think I do need to get back to work and it will be so nice for my kids to have other children to play with.
I also had my interview for PIP yesterday by phone. Not sure how that is going to pan out but it seemed to go okay. Apparently though it can take up to 8 weeks to hear anything.
Suppose that's it from me today. I am going to research some more sober tools as well as soon as I have chance.