Am I living in a film?

I can't believe this is happening. Today was literally unreal. I don't even know where to start. So going to start at the beginning. Woke up at about 6.30 to Neil coming upstairs getting ready for work. He is kind of like one of those elephants. The man always surprised me. He doesn't have any spacial awareness in that most of us normal people kind of look at a bed if someone is sleeping before we just plonk ourselves down. Neil doesn't. Never has. He just sits down regardless of who's legs he will squash. He moves about the house banging in to things and stepping on things and the dogs absolutely drive him nuts. When they were puppies they would all learn to avoid Neil as he didn't think twice about stepping on them! Anyway this particular morning he just plonked himself on the bed at this ungodly hour sitting on Ailysha. She has taken to bringing herself into our room to sleep every evening even though I put her in her top bunk. I really should move her back but the last two night she has slept in with me and neil on the sofa downstairs. This in itself is weird but I kinda just want her close to me. Anyway I am rambling now. So the day started with Rebecca in tears as I really had to explain to her that this could be her last ever day in primary school. Omg. I still can't actually believe it. Anyway. Rebecca is gentle sole just like her daddy. She is calm, kind, enthusiastic, constant never moody always happy, always creating something. She is my rock. She cried a little bit then put on her big girl pants and promised to help her friends. I suggested she take in a leaving book and get her friends and teachers to write something. Mindee children were dropped off and after a quick message to their nursery they said I could bring them in. Again, for the same reasons as Rebecca I knew this could be their last day in nursery. That and this could be my last afternoon of no children for a long time. It weird, I realized as we did our usual walk to school that this could be the last time we saw Kay Peacock, our lovely school crossing lady. It resulted in a big hug and a photograph. Everyone was a bit sombre and shocked to be honest and that is how the day panned out. Natasha came to visit me. So proud of her, she can't graduate, no prom, and is actually now working on the front line, my little girl. Her and her friends don't feel ready and feel like they have been cheated out of their celebrations. Fuck. This is serious.

By the end of the day there was announcement via Boris (our now prime minister) that all pubs, clubs and restaurants have to close by the end of the day today. WTF !!! All schools shut all restaurants and all pubs, Neil and Matthew along with Natasha was classed as key workers. All play settings and child minders are only allowed to work for key workers from Monday. Effectively we have gone into lock down. Lock Down? Its like living in a bloody nightmare.

The children came out of school somber. Rebecca bless her heart came out with her favorite coat on and a smile on her face and her book filled in. Ailysha's teacher dear Allison was in tears and apparently the head mistress cried at assembly today while talking to the children. Life as we know it has officially changed. How long for? We don't know. Swimming has been cancelled, in fact everything has and Boris has strongly advised against leaving the house. He has implored that all children are kept indoors and safe. After doing some research I can see where the Government are going with this. In Italy they have been completely overloaded with this bloody virus. The amount of deaths is absolutely catastrophic. Their hospitals are under immense pressure and I think I read somewhere that as much as 600 people died there today. Apparently there were big army tanks going in to the hospitals to take out the dead to some temporary morgue. In the Uk our government has come up with a different plan to try not to overload the NHS. The idea being social distancing. If we socially distance ourselves for a bit, then after a period of time be allowed to mix and then socially distance then mix, this should slow the virus down therefore giving our NHS chance to cope. Its like a bloody war. Fuck Fuck Fuck I am scared. I have a knot in my tummy and I actually just can't believe this is happening and last night I really really really really needed a glass of wine. The craving was strong. I spent the evening doing a puzzle with Rebecca and alternating between the on the phone to various people. Ailysha was demanding and wanting my attention as if she knows that at the moment she and all of us are making history.

A few days ago I text my mum. Why you ask? after all this time? but because it seemed like the right thing to do. We don't know what is round the corner I don't like bad feeling and all this arguments. I just text her asking if she was alright and telling her I would help her set up her Internet shopping if she needed me to. She text me back straight away saying I was thoughtful. Later that afternoon I had another text asking if we could just put everything behind us. God I wish things could. Of course I said yes and we could continue to text to try and build up our relationship but how many times have we been down this road. I hear all the people saying and the quotes on facebook that you only have one mum and yes that's right you do and life is too short. But try as I might I actually think my mum and dad are broken. Its just physically impossible to get along with them it really is. we will plod along for a bit me in a constant state of angst that I will do something , or not do something, to offend my mum or upset her etc etc and I change, my personality changes, I don't enjoy life anymore , I drink more, I feel so anxious. I also had a text from my dad as well. I have changed. Before when this would have happened my tummy would have gone and I would have gone hot and cold, today I just had a sinking feeling. It wasn't even a nasty text it was a nice one thanking me for getting in touch with mum and saying how much he had missed me. It would have been believable if I couldn't have seen the last message I had ever received from him on the screen above this one saying that I had just confirmed what he thought and I was a stupid woman. (We had had a massive argument and my dad sent me the most nasty text I can ever remember, and there have been a few) telling me I am a terrible mum and a terrible hard cold woman and person etc etc. It was quite the opposite to mum asking how I was and telling me how proud she was of me as a mum. ....The whole thing makes me anxious. But this whole virus has me scared. Its kinda like the end of the bloody world.

I closed my setting tonight. I cried but after a few phone calls and due consideration I know I had to put Ailysha's health first. She is so asthmatic and I really do need to keep her safe. My parents were lovely. Though what the fuck we are going to do for money is beyond me. Apparently there are grants and stuff we can get and so that is what I will spend the next week or so doing. Looking at our bills, freezing our mortgage, reducing our payments and seeing what we can claim to just try and keep us a afloat during this terrible time.

There have been support groups set up on facebook, for all of us to to check up on each other. Its absolutely crazy all of it and through it all even though I really wanted to I didn't drink. I really wanted to but I didn't.

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