What a day. What a crazy day. Decision made. Today was one of those days where I just knew, I was out walking the dogs listening to audible and I knew. I need to change. My life needs to change and I have to start now. I haven't felt the same with childminding for a long time and I have been making changes in my life and this is one of them. So today I made the decision to finish for good. I have figured out what I want to do and I just need to make it happen and by doing this I need to get things in place and therefore I need an office as I still need to work from home. So I came home from walking the dogs and started to put it into place. I rang my parents and told them, I went down to Neil's shop and told him. He was really good about it. The excitement I felt when leaving his shop was amazing. Then I came home and rang my parents and basically that's it I am done. Have already sold a lot of things and the relief I have felt is unreal. No more paperwork, no more environmental health, no more signs , no more baby toys. I get my house back. No more worrying about the state of the house. Can't believe I have done it am kind of in shock but I know its the right thing to do for me, for us and for my kids.
Also , there is something else I need to do. The last time I visited the doctor she encouraged me to write things down, write a letter to mum and dad, whatever but write things down. She is convinced that a lot of my issues are based on my childhood and I think that to and I think I need to remember them, all of them, process them, deal with them and move on and so that it what I am going to do. I am going to do my best to just get them down on this blog. Of course, no one is going to be interested in them except me but then if it helps me be a better person just by dealing with these emotions then so be it.
I think during one argument with my parents I must have told them that I thought I had a terrible childhood and to some extent my feelings have not changed. I must have said it to my parents once and they have never forgotten it. They bring it up in every argument, they will say 'I know Dawn thinks we were rubbish parents but we did well, you girls all had a roof over your heads, you didn't want for anything' I don't know whether they are justifying it to themselves or to everyone else.
I will start with my first ever memory and I will write them all down bit by bit and see where it leads me, the good and the bad, Without fear of my parents ever reading this, because that is my biggest fear. They read this and they are hurt. If I were mum I would be devastated but I need to do it and my intention is not to hurt my parents, its to make me the best person I can be. Its to fix me, to help me learn to enjoy my life, to really enjoy the good things that happen to me and not feel bitter or sad or unhappy. To celebrate the good things and really live in the present. To not have the constant anxiety that plagues my every day, the knot in my tummy, the regrets the jealousy. To not have any of it, to remember it, to analyse it and to put it to bed and move on. I had started to do this with the counselling before this lockdown and now that has finished I need to do this for me. So I will begin..........