3 Months Today 6th May 2020

Today marks 3 months without any form of alcoholic drink whatsoever. Not going to lie, its been tough at times. There have been a few occasions where I have almost given in but am still here lol. Found a new drink as well. I asked Gary my neighbour across the road that if he went to a supermarket could he get me some Pink Grapefruit Juice. I have finally confessed to him that I am not drinking. He knocked the door yesterday morning producing two cartons of Grapefruit Juice (just the normal one). Last night I had one glass of that with just lime in it. No tonic water. Fair play it is a lovely drink to just sip. So I put it in a wine glass and was quite happy for the evening. In fact, last night was a lovely night and I am in a good place at the moment. Neil and I watched a movie, I did eat a whole easter egg but hey ho and it was a nice relaxing evening. I actually spent some time shaping my nails with a nail file, so that shows how relaxed I was! What have I learned the last 3 months? Well actually I have learned a lot. I am slowly learning how to relax, okay, a lot of the time I can't do this the conventional way, because my body feels so tense, this is why I used to love my wine so much. Nothing quite makes your muscles relax like wine. Mine are always tense and ready to spring into action. So, since i haven't got that crutch anymore, sometimes I find it really hard to just sit and switch off and watch tv or read a book. However, I am trying. You can frequently see me slowly trying to breathe and relax my muscles if I am sat on the couch, or turn off my mind and the more I do it, the easier its getting to do. I spend a lot of time writing, I think its good to get your feelings down on papers, or on a computer etc, kind of therapeutic. I also enjoy a lot of quiet time out with the dogs, listening to my audible books. Think this is one of my favourite times of day now. I quite enjoy switching off from the world and listening to a story. At the start of the 3 months I listened to a lot of self help books, which I now have to listen to over and over again or try some new ones. However, I have progressed onto podcasts like the Bubble Hour who have new interviews every week, and a vast library of archived interviews to listen to if I need to. Now however I can also listen to just normal fiction. Just finished a book called 'the love of food' by Amanda Prowse. She wrote the book and also narrated it. It was brilliant all about a family who's daughter had anorexia. It was such a heart felt insight into the disease and the real struggle and the pressure it put on the family. Absolutely brilliant and I found myself listening to it when I was going about the normal housework as well and the kids were still sleeping. I am also reading a lot more. Not just one book either, I have a few on the go which is lovely, I can pick and choose which ones I want to read and which story I want to progress on as well. Gone is the nagging voice regarding when I can have my first glass of wine of the day etc. Gone is the guilt. I would like to report that I have lost weight, but sadly no, I don't think I have, however, I haven't exactly held back on the chocolate front. Although, now I have reached this milestone I may try and reduce that intake slightly. The last week or so I have tried to reduce the time I have spent on facebook as well.

So, do I think I am a better person than 3 months ago? I am not sure. Yes. I think there is some improvement, although I am definitely a work in progress.

The Fibro isn't good though. I haven't ran for over a week now as I just haven't felt like it, however the aching when I get up in the morning is bad. It's like I am doing far too much running. If I sit down for any period of time, its murder to get up. I worry about my knees as well, kneeling down in a nightmare and so I am worried to run anymore just in case I make them worse for when I am older.

Have had a few conversations by text with mum, although these are sketchy. I don't think I will ever be able to let me guard down again, even if I wanted to I can't. Your mind is a really powerful thing isn't it? And I am very aware that my mental state at the best of times is fragile. I struggle to stay on a even keel . I bounce from being happy and productive, to being moody yet still productive, to being just downright difficult to live with. Most of time I am productive. Very rare do I have the ability to leave the house slightly untidy and just chill out about it, I wish I could but I can't. I have tried to reduce my intake of caffeine a bit and that has worked although I can't give it up completely without having major headache. However I do drink a lot of decaffeinated coffee now.

I don't know what to do with regards to childminding when this is over. I am currently thinking I may just continue with my after schools and maybe just a little work over the holidays. No more during the day term time get some time for me again and just spend some time with my dogs.

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